Miaka White and the Seven Seishi
by TasukiNoBaka
Summary: Silly lil' parody of Snow White-I was told it was good! Total silliness and randomness and inside jokes from the series *shrug* R&R and I love you forever!
1. Default Chapter

  
Konban wa!! Standard disclaimer....I'm Tasuki_no_Baka and I seriously have no idea how I came up with all these ideas demo I was told they were really funny so I had to write 'em. ^^ Read and review onigai-there's some swears in it but that's to be expected cause Tasuki is in it. ^^; Nothing really serious yet though I hope you enjoy it.   
*enthusiastic wave to Tsuki-Moon and Bamboo-chan!* Jaa ne!!  
  
  
Once upon a time there was a beautiful (*cough* BULLSHIT) girl who was the princess. Or at least people certainly treated her ugly ass as if she was special. And one day she decided to skip through the forest, tripping most of the way, as she wasn't too good at skipping.   
"Lalalalalalala...." And it went on like that for hours. For no other reason than that...well let's just say her elevator never quite reached the top floor.   
Except that day a hunter named Kouji was trailing her and now quite keen on killing her after having to endure hearing her shrill la's for hours on end. He stepped out and exclaimed loudly: "Princess Ugly Ass-I mean Miaka White, I shall kill you!"   
And her witty reply: "No you can't kill me! I haven't eaten everything in the country and-and if you kill me that'd stop my beautiful singing!! See?! Lalalalalalala-''   
Kouji fed up: "No!! I SHALL kill you BECAUSE you go lalala and so forth!!"   
And again Miaka's profound thought: "But I don't understand...then will YOU continue my beautiful lalalalala-''   
Kouji very close to a coronary: "NO!! I JUST WANT TO STOP THE DAMNED SINGING!!!"   
"But-but my beautiful lalalalalala...."   
And it went on like this for a few hours until Kouji finally fell to the ground while some blood spilled from his ears. He twitched on the ground and murmured quietly, "Just go...let me die in peace please...." Miaka White just smiled idiotically at him and pronounced loudly "OKAY," and went skipping/tripping away. And while the handsome hunter (Did somebody just make an alliteration? Oh I think I did-damn English class!) watched her amble her way through the forest, he struggled for consciousness and dimly hoped that Queen Yui and King Nakago killed that damned ugly princess.   
**Impressive Movie Cut to the Seven Seishi (Hey what can I say? I'm on a low budget)**  
"Hi whore! Hi whore! It's off to-" Tasuki and Tamahome were bursting into song.   
"You bakas!! It's not 'hi whore!!' It's 'hi ho!!' " Nuriko bellowed. Tasuki and Tamahome just glanced at each other.   
"What's the fuckin' difference?" Tasuki interjected before a huge rock landed on his head.   
Chiriko happened to be still pondering if this child labor was legal and then cursed quietly as he remembered he lived in Ancient China and they didn't have any child labor laws. Mitsukake was also working quietly until he has a great deal of hentai thoughts and had to rest up a bit (Hey then you tell me why he's so quiet!).   
Hotohori had refused to work whatsoever and was currently making love to a mirror (Man what I would give to see that! ^.~). "Oh yes darling you do look absolutely perfect today! Oh Eskimo kisses!!" And he proceeded to do just that to his mirror.   
While Chichiri, on the other hand, seemingly began to wonder exactly how many masks it took to get to the center of his face, (Damn Tootsie Pops (tm)!!) and was pulling each one off rapidly. "Dear kami there's just no end to them, no da!! Make it stop, no da!!"   
Nuriko sighed and remembered why their boss Suzaku; a giant red bird but hey don't bite the hands...err wings that feed you, had committed suicide in the first place.   
"HI WHORE, HI WHORE-'' Tasuki and Tamahome shouted until suddenly a young woman appeared from nowhere.   
"Did somebody call me?"   
"Huh? Who are you?" Tamahome asked, quite stunned.   
"Are you a fuckin' whore?!" Tasuki asked rudely until, yet again, Nuriko threw a boulder onto his head.   
"Well...I kinda am, but my heart belongs to my love!" The young woman shouted, clutching her heart with a glazed over look in her eyes at the thought of her love.   
"Who's your love, no da?"   
"My King-Nakkie-poo-sama!!"   
"What an ugly name. Ugly names make me sick...isn't that right mirror-koi? Yes it is, yes yes!!" Hotohori purred contently to his golden mirror.   
Chiriko cleared his throat, "Anyway why are you here Soi-san?" He inquired ever so politely.   
"Well...I don't know really. I mean I suppose it's important to the plot somehow...demo I just don't see it."   
"Oh," became Chiriko's reply, "I really don't see it either...." That was until the authoress handed Soi a revised version of "Miaka White and the Seven Seishi" script.   
And Soi began to read her lines in a monotonous tone: "I am here to kill you all and protect my Queen Yui-hey wait a damned minute!! Yui is that 'ho that took my man!! No way I'm killin' for her-my Nakkie-poo-sama on the other hand...but definitely not her!!"   
The authoress scratches her head and replies above them all: "But then...what am I supposed to do with you?"   
"Oh!! Oh!! I know-call on me please!!" Tasuki jumped and waved his hand frantically.   
The authoress beamed at her favorite: "Yes Tasuki-what is your idea?"   
"Fuckin' feed her to a dragon!! Oh!! A blue one-make it Seiryuu!! The fuckin' irony!!" Soi cast a pissy look in Tasuki's direction and had a small bolt of electricity emerge from her hand until Tasuki was rendered comatose and twitching on the ground. Nuriko raised his hand timidly, not really wanting to get shocked however.   
The authoress beamed again at her other favorite character (yes they are my favorites ^^) and asked, "Yes Nuri-chan? Your idea?"   
Nuriko shuffled his feet on the ground and shyly said, "Well considering how her love doesn't really want to be with her now...maybe you can have her die later for him so then he can regret his mistake and join her so they're together forever!" All the fangirls gave little dreamy sighs with glazed over eyes at the thought.   
Soi also liked the idea: "Hai-I shall perish for my Nakkie-poo-sama!!" And with a great flourish Soi disappeared to wherever she came from taking the authoress with her to plan her great death scene.   
Tamahome blinked, "Well that was weird...you don't think any weird freak of a girl happened to wander into our palace and intends to disrupt our everyday lives do you?"   
Hotohori laughed and looked up from his mirror, "Oh Tamahome! Now who on earth could do that?! Oh!! We need to get back now-my complexion is going straight away with all this work being made around me-let's go!"   
**Meanwhile back at the palace a certain princess was making herself comfortable**  
"Oh this is so nice-oh hello there kitty!!"   
Tama-neko, on the other hand could spot evil straight away and started growling at the young girl, who was currently munching on his master's ointments for the sick.   
"Oh kitty you know you love me!! I'm Miaka White-the fair princess!!"   
~Yea right. And I'm Albert Einstein. Man I must be the smartest person on this damn show but does anybody listen to the cat?! No!!~ Tama-neko simply hissed at the bewildering temptress and decided to continue on his merry way to hell with the rest of the cast.   
A few hours later the girl had eaten everything in the palace and was currently sporting a potbelly that would make even the most respectable pig in the land jealous. And at that particular moment the seven seishi happened to meander up to their palace.   
"Hey-who the fuck are you?!" Tasuki shouted, suddenly ill at the sight of the princess.   
"Oh please save me!! I need help!!" Miaka implored at the feet of the seishi after she had waddled over to them with painstaking care to her stomach.   
"That's for damn fuckin' sure...." Tasuki muttered before he received another blow from Nuriko.   
Hotohori put on his charming smile, you know: the one that the sparkles seem to like because they appear whenever he does that particular smile, and he inquired to the girl politely: "Miss what is it that you need our help with?"   
Miaka paused for a few minutes trying to remember her line before she simply decided to read from her script in a dreary tone: "You must save me from the evil Queen Yui and King Naka...Nakago? That right? Yeah...please save me I implore you." She concluded before flashing the seishi a dazzling smile that left them blind for a few minutes.   
Tamahome cleared his throat: "Well I'll help you because I think I'm in love with you and all so...it's probably the right thing to do." Hotohori also nodded and agreed to help the princess.   
"Are you fuckin' kiddin' me?!? No way I'm gonna put my fuckin' ass on the line for a stupid ugly ass-" Tasuki was interrupted as Nuriko had finally hit him hard enough to drive him to unconscious. Nuriko smiled at the girl and agreed that both Tasuki and himself would protect her.   
Chichiri and Chiriko both nodded while Mitsukake simply replied, "Whatever," and he wandered off the make some 'medicinal marijuana'. (That is so sad because I actually think Mitsukake is probably one of the sweetest characters on the show but I just had to write that-gomen. ^-^; )  
  
TBC (dadadummmmm!!!) Will the seishi save the ugly princess? Will Tama-neko become a rich stock broker? Will Nuriko stop hitting Tasuki? ^.~ Will Mitsukake get high and will Hotohori ever be pried from the mirror? And where the hell are the Seiryuu characters?! Read and review onigai and get another chapter!!   
  



	2. We gotta get her

Alright The second parter because you guys did R and R! Keep doing that please!! Standard disclaimer...yadda yadda yadda. Oh when will my toil end?! General silliness and finally the Seiryuu Seishi join the story-how I pity them.  
  
  
**In the Evil Palace the Magic Mirror was currently very bored with his life**  
  
Tomo sat in his magical mirror land thoroughly bored with the direction his life was going in. He sat .in his chair and started filing his nails again until he finally glanced about the palace to see if anybody was coming and used a pencil sharpener to file his nails to a point. (How else could they get so pointy?!) The mechanical whirring noise was music to his ears, at least his nails could now have that perfection that he held so dear to his heart. He sighed and decided to use one of his own illusions for himself, after all shouldn't a magic mirror be entitled to some fun? He made an illusion that he was now in the middle of a beauty parlor in San Francisco, with one minor difference. The beauty parlor happened to be run be some scantily-clad dressed hunks.   
"Oh...what's wrong honey?" The first man cooed to Tomo.   
To which he received a sigh: "I'm so bored with my life! What is there for me to do anymore?! The stock on magic mirrors is plummeting like crazy and I'm sitting in hyperspace for hours on end with nobody to pay attention to my beautiful face! To do this takes awhile you know!! But does anybody notice?! NO!!"   
The second man was even more sympathetic: "Sweetie...don't let your mid-life...well early age crisis get you down!! We think you are SOOOO beautiful Tomo-sama!! We love you!!" All the other scanitly dressed men nodded and one exclaimed, "GROUP LOVE HUG!!!!" And so began Tomo's gigantic boost of self esteem not to mention being the center of attention with a group of bishonen begging to be commanded to your every will. So Tomo followed his impulses and decided to enjoy himself. That was until Queen Yui decided to call on Tomo's mirror.  
"TTTTTTOOOOOOMMMMMMOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
"KUSO!! THIS ISN'T FAIR!!" Tomo left his personal fantasy and appeared in front of Queen Yui in a sour mood. "What do you want?!" He demanded quite pissed off and with good reason-after all who would want to leave that fantasy?   
"I want to know who's the sexiest bitch in the land," she concluded.  
~Me of course.~ Tomo sighed, he was really getting tired of saying this especially because the Queen kept taking up all the time of that particually delicious looking King of their's....  
"WELL?!?!?"  
Tomo snapped out of his ecchi fantasy involving pastries and bishonen and rolled his eyes. In a sad tone he replied, "Well because it's always the same answer I don't know why I bother-but you alright?"  
"No."  
A puzzled look, "No?"  
"No. The script says you need to say that idiotic princess so I can try to kill her."  
"...HER?!? THE ROYAL PUPPY ASHITARE IS CUTER THAN HER!!"  
"I know but this is what the insane authoress wants so I have to tell you."  
With a disgusted sigh, "Fine-she's the best piece of ass in the land."  
Queen Yui took a few deep breaths before she really got into her insane queen character like she was supposed to and raged: "WHAT?!?! THAT BITCH?!? SHE'S HIDEOUS!! I MUST KILL HER AND RULE THE WORLD!!"  
Tomo, who was terrified and backed up chibi in the mirror; "Rule the world? Demo...you already rule it."  
"...Oh. Well then most of my work is done!! I just need to kill her...where the hell is Nakago?!" And with that she stormed off leaving a befuddled ((Neato frito word!)) Tomo off to his ecchi fantasies.   
Queen Yui passed Miboshi playing frisbee with Ashitare, the royal puppy. "Catch boy-catch!" Miboshi tossed the frisbee while Ashitare leaped into the air and caught it. Soi could bee seen around the corner zapping random servants, rendering them to comas. ~Oh well-at least she isn't drooling over Nakago like usual.~ Suboshi and Amiboshi were currently playing patty cake that was until Amiboshi hit Suboshi over the head for stopping to stare at Yui-sama. "Otouto-pay attention or I'll get out my flute!!" That threat had been enough to turn his attention away from Yui until she screeched at the top of her lungs: "NAKAGO!"   
In the other room the bishonen was entertaining thoughts of perversion, dead birds ((prefferibly squisy)), and doing what he tried to every night-try to take over the world with an odd litttle mouse who seemed to have been hit on the head far too many times. He winced slightly when he heard that annoying Queen of his screech his name. Oh well-she was better than that ugly princess any day.   
Yui stepped into the room: "Nakago-that damn bitch isn't dead and we need to kill her." Nakago raised an elegant ((*swoon*)) eyebrow and questioned, "We? You're the one that really hates her. You kill her."   
"BUT NAKAGO~~~~! IF WE DON'T KILL HER THEN SHE MIGHT TURN THE WORLD ALL NICE AND SWEET AND MAKE EVERYBODY OBEY LAWS OF BEING NICE TO EACHOTHER~~~~!"  
His eyes widened, "By God, you're right. Alright I'll go to kill her as soon as possible."  
A victory cheer followed with mutiple colored streamers, "Waiwai!! Good get right on it and hurry up-my beauty is being compromised and I can't take it anymore!"  
He mumbled, "You don't have any beauty...my Tomo-koi ((teehee)) is far greater than you."   
"WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?"  
"Nothing! ...Stupid bitch...." ((*shrug* They all gotta get sick of their mikos by now.))  
  
**Meanwhile back at the palace with the seishi and their princess**  
  
"NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" Tasuki's scream echoed off the walls as he sobbed incoherently on the ground. The other seishi rushed up while Nuriko tried to comfort the distraught redhead.   
"What happened?!?" He demanded.  
Tasuki continued to have tears pour down his cheeks, "She...she- *sob* she destroyed it!!" He broke down and curled up into a fetal position on the ground.  
"What did she destroy now na no da?!" the other seishi had been getting fed up with their princess. So far she had eaten Mitsukake's ointments and marijuana which had made for an interesting evening, spilled water on Chiriko's books which caused to ink to ruin them, dropped Hotohori's mirror ((poor mirror-koi *sniff*)), torn Chichiri's kesa, eaten Tamahome's okane, torn all Nuriko's dresses and kimonos when she said she "carefully" put them on, and accidently spaid Tama-neko in a way that the other sesihi didn't even want to know. And she had finally gotten to Tasuki. Hotohori blinked when he saw Tasuki clutching something shiny like a lifeline and briefly wondered if his mirror had come back to life to avenge his murder. But on closer inspection he realized his mirror is-or had been thanks to that damn princess-much prettier. He pried the object away from Tasuki and discovered it to be his tessen. Which now happened to be horrible flat and in 2-d instead of 3-d.   
He wept, "S-she s-sat on it...."  
Tamahome narrowed his eyes. this was too far-they were at their wit's end. And although they hadn't been that far away to begin with, it was still quite frustrating. "She's gotta go." The others nodded in agreement while Nuriko still tried to reassure the ex-tessen weilding seishi. They hoped, for their sake, that if that Queen and King didn't kill her soon that a building would "accidently" collaspe on her.   
  
TBC!! HAHAHAHA I'M SO EVIL!!! But the next will be the last parter I swear!! Will Miaka have a building fall on her? Will she eat more marijuana? Will she throw up Tamahome's okane? Will Ashitare never catch the frisbee? Will the Boshi twins play more than patty cake ((*evil cackle*))? Will Tomo ever have a satisfying career AND nice nails? And will Nakago finally take over the world with the odd mouse?!? ALL THIS AND MORE IN THE CONCLUSION OF MIAKA WHITE!! R AND R!! 


	3. Time for Bed

Alright I promised to finish so here it is the conclusion of Miaka White and the Seven Seishi! R and R! Mild shonen ai and spoilers I guess cause I'm terrible ^^...more inside jokes really. Everything and everybody is appreciated!

                                                AND NOW THE CONCLUSION 

            Miaka White was currently strolling around the palace casually until she happened upon a giant feast. Her eyes bugged out of her head as she ran towards the food and quickly ate it all. She then loafed around on a plushy chair, after pigging out to her heart's content. 

            Then she heard evil laughter emerge from the mirror on the wall. And there in the reflection was Tomo cackling. "Stupid princess kakakaka you ate all the poison!" 

            "Poison?" She inquired. "But I don't feel any...." And there she concluded after the arsenic started to take effect.

            Tomo cackled some more, "Thank Seriyuu I finally killed her, about time somebody did it! Now no more bitching and I can finally just relax, kick back and watch men in skimpy surf shorts." He sighed and then faded from view as soon as the seven seishi, who were intent on killing her, happened upon her dead body. 

            "Miaka this has...got...to...stop...." Tamahome said utterly shocked as his pig princess lay in some untouched peas. 

            "I DIDN'T FUCKING DO IT!!!" Tasuki shrieked. 

            Nuriko smacked him, "Baka! Nobody accused you yet!" And after a short pause, "Did you?" 

            "Fuck No!!"

            "Well she certainly is dead no da."

            Mitsukake had decided this was the perfect time to hit the pipe considering how his blood pressure, which nobody considered, was now through the roof. He exhaled after a small groan; "Well I hope nobody expects me to try to bring her ass from the dead because she ate my dime bag." 

            Tamahome wept. "First my family and now this!!"

            Hotohori looked slightly confused, "Your family's dead?"

            "No!! But they moved to Connecticut and that's been just as tough on me!!" He fell to his knees and let out a howl of pain. "NO!!! SUZAKU TAKE ME INSTEAD!!!" 

                Suddenly Ashitare came barreling through the door. "Is there a single female with a long mane and a desire for commitment in here?"

            Mitsukake stepped past him to go back to his room. "Oh, I ain't touching that one."

            Chiriko, who was always polite even if a man-eating werewolf showed up at the door: "Excuse me Monster-san, but why are you here?" 

                Ashitare, also ever polite, "Well I heard a long howl and you see it's terribly hard for me to continue to stay single. My mother just keeps moaning and wailing for me to settle down...you know how it goes." He sat himself down on a chair and spied some treats. "Oh! Biscuits!" He then gorged himself until he too suddenly clutched his stomach and cried out: "No! Can't die...must find...woman to bring home...to mother...personal...seeking single religious female...who enjoys...long walks...agh...." Were his final words as he died at the feet of the seishi. 

            "Agh? What kinda fucking personal is that?" 

            "Stupid! He's dead!" Nuriko smacked Tasuki yet again through another wall. 

            Hotohori looked between the Tasuki shaped hole. "You know Nuriko, these walls are costing a great deal to fix. Contractors seem to be avoiding the palace for whatever reason." 

            Nuriko grinned. "Gomen nasai Hotohori-sama...lemme make it up to you!" Nuriko squealed and jumped into Hotohori's lap. Hotohori pushed him off.

            "Ano Nuriko, I'm not like that. Besides I've decided to marry Houki."

            "But she looks EXACTLY like me!! Hello!!"

            "No not exactly. She doesn't have a mole and that makes a world of difference."

            Nuriko grumbled under his breath and finally declared, "Fine! I don't need you! I have somebody else!"

            "Who na no da?"

            It was at that moment that a very injured, and a bit disoriented Tasuki stumbled into the dining room. "TASUKI!! TASUKI'S MY BOYFRIEND!!" Nuriko screamed and launched himself on the bandit. 

            Tasuki let out a strangled gasp as he was knocked onto the floor hard. Nuriko began glomping Tasuki until he could hear his ribs crack. "Please...save me...." 

            Nuriko let out a high-pitched giggle. "Don't be a baka~! We'll be together forever!! Oh now I got to plan the wedding!!" Nuriko jumped away from a relieved Tasuki and ran outside to get a beautiful lilac colored wedding dress...that was until he was stopped by a huge boulder crushing him. 

            The others ran outside and screamed. Tasuki wept the most, after all Nuriko was going to be his future bride...husband...well something for damn sure. They gasped in horror *authoress appears-"Well everybody gasp damnit I wrote it!"* "GASP" ((this has just lost all English structure...Oh well I'm a rebel, damn structure to hell!)) as they saw Nakago looking proudly at them, dusting his hands after throwing the rock on Nuriko.

            "Ha! It is I, Nakago! Who has come to kill you all! For no other reason than I really want to because BWAHAHAHA I'M EVIL!! DUH!!" He continued to laugh while the others sweatdropped. Man this guy's elevator never quite reached the top floor, always jammed in the middle. 

            Soi, who also saw her Nakago, decided that now was the perfect time for them to make a daring love/death scene together! So she fell from the sky by courtesy of the authoress and landed by Nakago and immediately clutched to his leg, never to be removed. All the fangirls gave breathy sighs at the symbolic love...clutch.

            Nakago tried to make his way towards the seven seishi to kill them, but to no avail. Soi was simply too heavy to get towards them in a reasonable amount of time. 

            "Aw, screw it," Nakago declared and drank some potion which he handily hand in his armor, because well you never know when you might have to poison somebody. He then collapsed on Soi, in a very Romeo and Juliet like fashion. ((...yeah get it...the poison for the guy and she stabbed herself...oh nevermind.)) 

            Everybody blinked. Then it was time for Yui to appear!

            "What the fuck?!" She screeched, "You all should be dead! Well at least the bitch is dead...but suddenly I don't like any of you either!! Especially YOU!" She declared, pointing at Tamahome. 

            "Yui-sama! Yui-sama!" The 'Boshi twins came running up to Lady Yui. "Yui-sama! Why don't you forget about all this bitterness and come to live with us?!" Suboshi suggested, wiggling his eyebrows. 

            Yui looked confused and glanced over at Amiboshi, "What? But I thought you liked Miaka. Or if nothing else, Suboshi!"

            Amiboshi shrugged his shoulders. "Hmph, what are ya gonna do? Miaka's dead and let's face it, I'd just gotten over a major concussion and some drugs from yo-yo boy over here," he declared jerking a thumb by his brother, "when I thought she was hot. But ya ain't bad yourself. Might as well try it." 

            Yui paused briefly before nodding her head, "Sure why the hell not? Double the attention and hot guys." And with that all three linked hands and skipped back into the forest on their way to a new happier palace. 

            "This getting weirder by the second no da." Everybody nodded. Then their attention was turned to a loud cracking sound.

            Nuriko popped up, proudly displaying the boulder in one hand raised above his head, "I'M OKAY!!" ((You didn't think I was gonna kill of one of my favorite seishi didya?!)) He set aside the poor boulder who had been so mistreated and walked up to the stunned seishi. 

            "Nuri-chan!! Ya're okay!!" Tasuki declared, grinning wildly. 

            "Of course I'm okay baka! After the wedding we still have a wedding NIGHT to think about!" Nuriko said with a wink at the blushing bandit.

            "Ano Nuriko I don't think-ack!" Tasuki cried out and Nuriko picked him. 

            "C'mon baby!" Nuriko laughed wickedly while he carried off a screaming Tasuki. 

            Everybody watched them disappear into the distance. "This has been so strange..." Hotohori murmured, "almost like a soap opera." 

            Tamahome frowned, "No, not a soap opera...a play."

            "A mysterious one at that no da." 

            "A mysterious play Chichiri-san?" Chiriko, being ever so inquisitive. 

            "Hai, perhaps a mysterious play no da."

            Mitsukake was silent briefly, "A mysterious play? That's the crappiest title I ever heard!" He snorted at the idea.

            "Yeah, you're right," Everybody declared after shuffling off, it was time for bed. 

Alright I know!! ***Blushing* It was terrible!! But I hope ya guys had some laughs!! Remember to review on your way out!! It just encourages me to write more...err then you might not review...oh dear. Well ja!**


End file.
